Thursday, March 02, 2006

Spare Change?

Ain't it funny how coins are useless anymore? Anytime I make a purchase for anything, even a cup of coffee, I can simply swipe a piece of 2X3 plastic and get the results I need to complete the transaction. Ne'er again do I need to carry all that heavy, dirty, and jingly coinage.

The best result of plastic? Now whenever I'm strolling down the streets of downtown Portland and I encounter a strung out hobo who asks for change...I ain't got any!

And here's more advice: if you don't wanna put $1.04 for some Joe on your card, just use the few spare dollars in your pocket and leave the $0.94 change in the "collection" jar on the barista counter. Then when you are approached by the nearest hobo (or hoba, there's females out there, too), you can tell them you just left all your change with the latte lady. Isn't that brilliant?! I much prefer doing that than lying through my teeth that, "no, I don't have any change (jingle jingle)"

Perhaps we'd be doing a service to the hobo/a's. They'll catch on that all the spare change they so crave is going into the jars in the coffee joints, so they'll go get jobs slingin' mocha's in order to get their spare change fix. Hey, baristas get benefits, too! Use the benefits to go through rehab and get off that spare change habit.

Oh, and the best thing about using the plastic is that all companies can track my spending habits! I can even join a "club", and get ANOTHER card, so they can track all my spending in one store! This saves so much time for them to get special offers to me. It's so convenient, that corporations can even predict our spending habits. Why, before our child was even born certain "Baby" stores were sending us convenient and usefull coupons and informing us of sales of baby clothes, furniture, you name it!

But, alas, much like our dilemma with coins, all that plastic I have to carry is getting pretty thick in my wallet. I think there should be an easier, all-purpose way to spend electronically. My idea? In order to cut out the plastic in my wallet I want to get an electronic chip implated underneath my skin. All I'd have to do is swipe my palm, give 'em the old 'high five', and "BEEP", my purchases are complete without even opening my wallet. Yes, we should all get the implant.

Hey, it would also be very helpful to our government. They can use the chip to track our precise location anytime of day! How easier that would be for the authorities to catch criminals and terrorists! Ooooo, I feel safer already.

Yes, let's all get on board the electronic chip implant bandwagon! Let's make good use of our electronic technology! No more coins! No more plastic! Just think how FREE we'll be!

That is, until we run out of fossil fuels to burn and cannot generate electricity any more...but that's another blog.

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