Thursday, November 02, 2006

Like My Fanny?

Women, you carry a lot of stuff. That’s a given. But in my mere fundamental and imperfect understanding of the female gender, I cannot grasp why all that stuff must be stuffed into a high-priced bag with some Schmuck’s name on it telling the whole world that you shopped and bought the most hip designer purse on the world. Prada. Gucci. Fendi. Versace. Raphaello. Sounds like an Italian racecar lineup.

Did you know men have to carry stuff, too? It’s true. Let’s take a brief inventory of what I have in my pocket possession today:

  • Wallet, roughly the size of a softball.

  • Transit bus pass/business card holder.

  • Cell phone

  • USB Flash thumb drive

  • Sunglasses

  • Personal keys / Work keys

  • C3PO action figure

  • $2.47 in loose change

  • Comb

  • Altoid gum

  • Zippo lighter (whathe…? I don’t smoke how’d that get there?)

  • MP3 player / earbuds

  • Extra AA batteries

  • Parking receipt

  • Golf tee

  • Pepper spray (hey, downtown can get rough after dark)

  • Lint

Holy Cow! Dat’s a lotta stuff! Plus a host of other things I bring to work in a (cheap) duffle bag like books & mags, scores/scripts to learn on the bus, HP Jornada pocket PC, foldaway keyboard
bills to mail, stainless steel coffee container, lunch, pens, highlighters…

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!! Where does it all go?!

We men do not spend lavish moolah on a container for our stuff. You won’t see me walking around downtown proudly porting my Prada. No sir! Ten measly bucks’ll get you a little black fanny pack that conveniently and discretely transports small stuff and prevents the ‘George Costanza Ass’ syndrome.

Now the dilemma and arguable issue with the fanny pack: is it worn on the fanny, or on the front? My preference is to wear the pouch in front. Why? Well, if I need to pull something out of it I don’t have to twist around like a cat licking it’s tail in order to access said pouch. Does that make me White & Nerdy? Most metrosexuals would give a hearty ”YES, FOOL!”

So since I’m not a fanny pack on the fanny wearer, what should I call it? Here are some possible names I found used elsewhere in the world:

butt bag (yer butt bag is saggin’ there, dude)
bum buddy (Uhhhhhhh, no)
bum bag (a hobo duffle)
belly bag (and getting bigger with each chocolate morsal)
belt bag (matches my shoulder bag)
manbag (perhaps the metrosexuals will approve)
lumbar pack (a backbrace?)
waist pack (manly, concise...I think we might have a winner!)

What's yer vote?

Comments on "Like My Fanny?"


Blogger creative-Type Dad (Tony) said ... (November 02, 2006 4:12 PM) : 

You've got quite the Macgyver collection going there.

I bet if you woke up one morning tied to a chair with a lit fuse going leading to 30 tons of heating oil, C3PO would be able to cut the rope and the comb would be able to kill the unknowing guards at the door.


Blogger radioactive girl said ... (November 07, 2006 8:28 PM) : 

I'm pretty low maintenence, so I don't have a fancy purse. I use a bag that I have used as a diaper bag for a while and I have a feeling I will continue using it even when I have no kids in diapers. It is pretty cool though with a bunch of patches and skulls all over it. My son chose it for me. Who am I to argue with that? I say go with a murse (man purse) though. Nothing wrong with a murse.


Blogger Ariadne said ... (November 08, 2006 6:40 PM) : 

Man Purse, hands down. That term is paybacks for all the times husband #1 (now ex) used to walk around the grocery store with me (putting ridiculous amound of junk food into the cart) saying in a wheedling/whining 5 year old little boy voice, "Will you put my keys in your purse?"

The answer, of course, as any self respecting female knows, is "Hell no! Get your *own* purse!"


Blogger Penny Karma said ... (November 17, 2006 2:47 PM) : 

Just don't refer to it as your "SACK". That's all I ask of you.


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