Like My Fanny?

Women, you carry a lot of stuff. That’s a given. But in my mere fundamental and imperfect understanding of the female gender, I cannot grasp why all that stuff must be stuffed into a high-priced bag with some Schmuck’s name on it telling the whole world that you shopped and bought the most hip designer purse on the world. Prada. Gucci. Fendi. Versace. Raphaello. Sounds like an Italian racecar lineup. Did you know men have to carry stuff, too? It’s true. Let’s take a brief inventory of what I have in my pocket possession today: Wallet, roughly the size of a softball. Transit bus pass/business card holder. Cell phone USB Flash thumb drive Sunglasses Personal keys / Work keys C3PO action figure $2.47 in loose change Comb Altoid gum Zippo lighter (whathe…? I don’t smoke how’d that get there?) MP3 player / earbuds Extra AA batteries Parking receipt Golf tee Pepper spray (hey, downtown can get rough after dark) Lint Holy Cow! Dat’s a lotta stuff! Plus a host of other things I bring to work in a (cheap) duffle bag like books & mags, scores/scripts to learn on the bus, HP Jornada pocket PC, foldaway keyboard bills to mail, stainless steel coffee container, lunch, pens, highlighters… AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!! Where does it all go?! We men do not spend lavish moolah on a container for our stuff. You won’t see me walking around downtown proudly porting my Prada. No sir! Ten measly bucks’ll get you a little black fanny pack that conveniently and discretely transports small stuff and prevents the ‘George Costanza Ass’ syndrome. Now the dilemma and arguable issue with the fanny pack: is it worn on the fanny, or on the front? My preference is to wear the pouch in front. Why? Well, if I need to pull something out of it I don’t have to twist around like a cat licking it’s tail in order to access said pouch. Does that make me White & Nerdy? Most metrosexuals would give a hearty ”YES, FOOL!” So since I’m not a fanny pack on the fanny wearer, what should I call it? Here are some possible names I found used elsewhere in the world: butt bag (yer butt bag is saggin’ there, dude) bum buddy (Uhhhhhhh, no) bum bag (a hobo duffle) belly bag (and getting bigger with each chocolate morsal) belt bag (matches my shoulder bag) manbag (perhaps the metrosexuals will approve) lumbar pack (a backbrace?) waist pack (manly, concise...I think we might have a winner!) What's yer vote?