The Hairy Truth

Since my years have morphed from the low-thirtysomethings to the high-thirtysomethings I have discovered a hygienic secret closely guarded by all males who have made this rite of passage. A tedious ritual grooming chore one must perform daily lest we be outcast from civilized society and banished to the Island of Unsightly Men. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE NOSE AND EAR HAIR, PEOPLE!? Why was I not informed or prepared for this additional required routine maintenance? Eh? Why was this such a secret? I swear every other morning I find a shrub growing inside my nostrils. And where one day my ears are perfectly squeaky clean and wax-free, the next I’ll find a three inch long hair that somehow sprung overnight? This debilitation has struck me like I remember being stricken by puberty. I thought I was the only one afflicted with a sudden onslaught of hair. Like a junior high boy in the locker room, I have only discovered that all my buddies the same age are having the identical issue. It’s funny to watch the older men of the opera chorus snicker and chuckle at the thirty-somethings swapping accounts of trimming the hedges and sharing plucking techniques. THAT’S why they didn’t tell us to be ready for the new hair growth. It’s all a big joke to them, like we’ve been initiated into the brotherhood of older hairy men. Well, I’m not one to break tradition! The secret’s safe with me! You twenty-somethings don’t know what’s in store for you in about a decade. And I’m not gonna tell ya! Ha! HA HA! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!