Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a Bachelor's Life For Me

Ya know what’s great about livin’ in a bachelor pad? Oh, let me count the ways: 1. Chores? What chores? I can wash the dishes every day, or I can let them sit and do them later. I, of course, rinse my dishes/bowls before I let them sit lest I chance a future unintended run-in with a crusty cereal coated grease monster. But by far the best way of getting out of doing the dishes is to purchase a nice supply of paper or plastic bowls, plates and utensils. Use ‘em and toss ‘em. My counters are clean, baby! 2. It’s my desk and I love/hate it! I have a strong sense of ownership (which could be branded by some ‘professionals’ as a neurotic claim to personal space), and a healthy LOVE/HATE relationship with my desk. Mountains of “stuff” pile onto any open space and other varieties of “crap” are found shoved into any cubby hole available. As much as I enjoy a clean and uncluttered work space, mine is junked 99 percent of the time. That doesn’t mean I don’t know where everything is. I know EXACTLY where everything is! That is, until I try to locate something specific. Then I’m usually in a hurry and I curse and fuss and fling papers, magazines, blank CD’s, books, Playboys (It’s not mine, Mom, really!), and any other immaterial matter until the item is found. Usually ‘misplaced’ on a wrong shelf or under an incorrect pile of shi…I mean, stack of important documents. But regardless, I find it! Now, excuse me while I locate where my wireless mouse has run off to….. Ok, found it…. 3. It’s my pad and I’ll fart if I want to. My lovely daughters stay with me two weekends a month. When I’m all by my lonesome I have full captain’s authority to fart & belch and sit in front of the tele and eat whipped cheese in a can all I want. Oh, wait…I guess that’s what my girls like to do also. There’s nothing like natural bodily noises that make 3-6 year olds merry with giggles and laughter. 4. 24 hour James Bond Marathons. I have full access and dominion over the remote control(s). Sometimes I like to watch manly-man movies for dozens of hours at a time. Indy Jones, Pirates, the complete Martin Scorsese canon. We must all have our fill of obligatory violence, right? But, SHHH!! Don’t tell anyone, but after the bloodshed and brutality is over I need my “other” favorite DVD shelf to balance out my feminine side with Amelie, French Kiss, Harry – Sally, and While You Were Sleeping. 5. I get to sleep on BOTH sides of the bed. Never again will I have to concern myself about the condition of the individual ‘divots’ in the pillow-top mattress, or have to surrender an entire 1/3 to 1/2 of a Queen size bed to a minuscule Chihuahua. Although, I do find that I am more frequently giving up a sizable portion of my sleeping space to piles and stacks of books. I simply cannot read just one book at a time. I’m always in the middle of at least two fiction and numerous other non-fiction how-to, self-help, get-rich-overnight, and you-can-still-be-a-rock-star-at-40 books. So now you own a glimpse into the private life in the Casa de la Evil Baritone lair. As it is now nearing midnight it is time for my nightly leftover snack ritual, then sit down to contemplate additional alternative historical figures of18th century swashbuckling Caribbean marauders, savvy? I bid you good luck, and good night. Au revoir.