Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I'm Comin' After You, Santa Baby!

Yeah, Jolly Boy! You let me down. Waaaaaaay down! I believed in you! I trusted you! I told you specifically what to bring me this year. A new (or used – I don’t care!) Sony Ericsson 3 megapixel K800i cameraphone. And what did I find in my stocking on Monday morn? A Ch-Ch-Ch Chia! A *$@#ING CHIA!

Alright, Santa Baby! I’ll take a daily progress photo of that blasted Chia with my current crappity flip phone cam just to show you how crappy it is. Suffer at the quality!

You been good to me all these years. You brought me that official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle when I was 10. Geesh, you somehow even got Brandie Beaumere in my dorm room with nothin’ but a see-through red teddy on Christmas morning back in college. You sly devil! I’m still tryin’ to figure that one out. Ok, you get off with a warning this time, Kringle Jingle. But next time, I’m comin’ to the North Pole and I’m having Red-Nosed Reindeer jerky, Jingle Boy!!!!!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Here comes Santa Claus...but I ate all the cookies!

As seen on my fortune slip after tonight’s traditional Xmas Eve Chinese restaurant family dinner:

You will attain the highest level of intelligence

Duh! Hey, Confucious, you’re talkin’ to the Evil Baritone here. Ya don’t become an Evil genius without attaining the highest levels of intelligence. But I’m happy to eat the damn cookie anyway.

I’m sitting here watching the Yule Log channel on Public Broadcasting. The yule log channel. Oy! It’s either that or paid advertising for the Super Screwdriver. Tough decisions.

As I sit here watching the yule log burn on my tele, I’m obligated to ponder the political correctness of the holiday season. My Jewish friends are insulted if I say Merry Christmas. My African-American buds don’t like the simple phrase, Happy Chanukah. All Christians look blankly when someone shouts, “Happy Kwanzaa!” And atheists are insulted if they here any of the above mentioned.

So I’ve invented a simple solution that should appease everyone. Are you ready? Here it is:

Happy Chanukwanzmas, you Godless heathen!

So there it is. Have a good one, everyone.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Intriguing Search Results

Ok, I've been blogging almost a year and ever since I figured how to track searches onto my blog I've kept a list of the most intriguing search strings. I was going to save these for the one year blogiversary but the list doth bulgeth. So in honor of fun blogging here is first installment of web searches ending up on my blog:

pop corn kernel stuck on tongue - (Oooo...that's gotta hurt. I recommend more melted butter)
How to chocolate freebasing - (Oh yeah! chocolate high at my place every Saturday!)
Dreyers ice cream bus - (Never seen one, but will certainly welcome one in my neighborhood)
Ports and stouts - (A search for beer? Or search for hunky dock workers?)

manly husband biceps - (Usually created with the ports & stouts...and Dreyers Ice Cream!)
chivalrous husband - (As long as you bring me another beer I'll be good to you, babe)
Redneck Trucks - (Try using some SPF 100 on that big boy)

fendi fanni pouch - (would rather have a fanni pouch that a fanni bulge)
wallet raphaello - ( think I sell designer wallets here?)
Coke bottle glasses - (Can you speak up? I can't see you...)
wedging up underwear - (I feel your pain. One word to you, dude...COMMANDO)
Daddy In Underwear - (Who's your daddy?)
caught me in underwear - (Inside or outside? Ladies or mens? Need more details, buddy)
Whitey tighties little boy - (Sicko! I've reported your IP address to the authorities. They should be at your house right! Enjoy jail, pervert!)

Why are opera singers so fat (I'm not fat. I just have poofy hair)
good brands baritone - (you can have the 'good' brand. I've claimed the 'Evil' brand)
The best female baritones - (They better not be after my evil job!)
zippo Mr. Hyde - (a monster with a lighter)
chops off head evil barber - (That's right! And I'd do it again if ever I get a bad haircut like that!)

yoga pose elbow cruncher - (Not in the groin, dude!)
Elmers glue and my little pony - (Ya can't make glue outta plastic toys, dude)
pregnancy test at Safeway - (I recommend you take it home, first...)
women butt musk arm pit aroma - (makes the perfect Christmas gift for your loved one!)
accountant quote pratchett - (*Nods* Yup, quote Terry Pratchett every day. My particular favorite: "I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.")

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Free Opera with Pizza Delivery

...or Would you like an Aria with that Pizza?

Back when I was studying music in college some of us actually had to work for spending money. Spending money being food money. Namely, that would be 3 tacos for a buck on Taco Tuesday, and boxes of mac & cheese for the rest of the week until the next Tuesday rolled around. Sometimes when I had a few extra bucks I would even purchase 12 tacos for 4 bucks and eat them all week. Mmmmm….cold, stale tacos. Good times.

For that living I endured the hardship of delivering pizza pies from Pizza Hut. Yes, I was a Pizza Dude. I was called many things, Pizza Dude being my favorite. Also Pizza Guy, Pizza Man, the Hut Honcho, and sometimes just, “Yo, whattaIoweya?” I sped my little Honda CRX all around the city, finding shortcuts that would get those pies to their destinations. ‘Course, looking back now, driving through that open field and puncturing my exhaust system on hidden rocks wasn’t exactly the best shortcut decision. But the CRX was a perfect delivery machine. I could weave through traffic and even slide under the big monster trucks that were popular in those days. Never did I earn a even a mere scratch on my vehicle.

As a music student studying the ways of becoming an Evil Baritone, I needed time to practice, of course. Well, anyone who has attended music school knows that they suck the life right outta ya by requiring poor young singers to take measly one-credit performing classes and a host of other 2 or 3 credit classes, usually filling a full 18 credits with about 10 classes during the week. Finding time to practice was a chore. So I found it was great opportunity to sing while I worked. As I drove pies around town I rolled the window down, hooked up my Pizza Hut delivery sign, slipped on some cool shades, and sang my art songs and arias at full voice for all to hear. Sometimes I would sing with the radio, “There’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you.” Ahhh…the nineties.

People walking down the street would indeed stare at me. I’m sure they were saying, “look, there goes a future evil baritone. I must order a pizza pie from him.” Stopping at red lights was fun. If a car next to me had their window down they would turn and give me that vacant look, and usually pump up their radio volume to give me more instrumental support. Yeah, I must have been a chick magnet, but I didn’t have time to stop & chat & get babe’s numbers. Had to get those pies to their owners while they were hot. The more pies I delivered the more tips I got.

I received some interesting tips during those years of pizza delivery. I lived in a college town. A small college town. A small liberal arts college town. VERY liberal. One night I delivered a Veggie Lovers to a townhouse close to campus. The blue smoke wafting out of the front door spoke volumes as to what the two gentlemen were studying that evening. They paid for the ‘Za with about 4 baggies of change, and the 5th baggie was for my trouble. It didn’t contain coins. Another time I delivered 6 or 7 ‘Zas to a big house on Nob Hill. Turns out it was a teenage party. Folks were outta town. They had an indoor pool. They had me bring the goodies back to the pool room where about 2 dozen scantily clad teenie boppers were jumping and splashing in the water. Cases of beer were everywhere. They were having a good time and tried to convince me to stay. “Tell ‘em your car broke down. C’mon! Have a beer & join us in the pool!” Hmmm…babes in bikinis…beer…a sure-shot at getting laid in a jacuzzi…

I definitely wasn’t evil enough back then. Responsibility won over. I left the bikini party. They gave me a beer to take for the road. Later that night I drank it and half a case a few more to drown away my lonely sorrows. Good times.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Perfect Food

I wanna know why it takes 10 minutes to turn one side of my grilled cheese sandwich golden brown and 30 seconds on the other side to burn it to a charred rubble. I’m thinking I need a new Teflon © pan, a George Foreman Grill (on my Santa list), or something other than I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter. Or…I’m good with an iron. Perhaps I will make my grilled cheezy with a hot iron and iron board like Johnny Depp in Benny & Joon.

The grilled cheese sandwich is one of the world’s most perfect foods. It turns an ordinary cold sandwich consisting of two slices of stale bread and cold cuts into a mouth-watering cheezy joygasm! I used to prepare a grilled cheezy the way my grandmother did, using one plain slice of American Processed Cheese. Later in life I learned I could make them myself and choose to use as many slices as I wanted. I could even use Velveeta! Yum! Nowadays, like my chocolate, I prefer a grilled cheezy with a little class. No longer do I use blechy American Cheese. No my epicurious friends, only the finest sharp Tillamook Cheddar, Havarti, Swiss, and the likes of these will do. What’s better? Add two slices of bacon, a fried egg, and sour dough bread. The Perfect Sandwich!

Ok, now I’m hungry. I’m gonna go make a Velveeta casserole.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Be Prepared

Let’s review our Boy Scout motto:


Use it like a mantra. Say it with me now…Beee preeee-paaaaaaarrrreed.
Am I driving it home yet, folks? Making national news here in Oregon, a San Francisco family was stranded on a remote and snow covered Oregon mountain road (why was that road not closed, ODOT?). After 10 days of searching, the wife/mother and 2 children were found at the vehicle. James Kim, father, husband, brave knight in shining armor, had left 2 day prior in search of help. Yesterday, after 4 solitary days trudging through snow, ravines, ice and treacherous wilderness, Mr. Kim’s body was found less than a mile from his automobile. My heart goes out to his family, now safe, and the loss of their brave, courageous husband and father.

Had Mr. Kim been an Eagle Scout he might just be alive today. Now, even I never made it to Eagle Scout (yes, I am that kind of geek who was a Boy Scout), in fact I didn’t earn a rank much past Tenderfoot. But I learned camping and survival skills. Enough that I am confident I could survive in the most harrowing conditions. Or at least make a good example as a contestant on Survivor.

Rule #1: Know how to make a fire. If I were chosen as a contestant for the popular TV reality show, I would hone up my fire-making skills so that I could make a fire from a rubber plant. Fire will not only keep you warm, melt snow for H20, but the smoke is a great signal for those who may be searching for you. One who can make fire without no steeeeeenkin matchesss is all-powerful and should be worshiped.

Rule #2: Tell someone where you are going. Want to veer off the beaten path? Use a shortcut? Drive the scenic route? Tell someone where you are going and how you plan to get there. Everyone knew where the Kims were going. No one imagined they would take a scenic route in a winter storm. 10 days, people. Took 10 days to find them.

Rule #3: Never leave your stranded car. Stuck in the snow? Need a shelter? A car is a perfect shelter. Been a week since you’ve seen civilization? They’re coming. Search crews are more likely to find you in your automobile. Mr. Kim provides a tragic yet important point of being lost. STAY PUT!

Rule #4: Re-read the top of this post. BE PREPARED. Going for a drive in inclimate weather? In the mountains? In snow? On an unplowed and abandoned-in-winter country road? (Another poke at ODOT for not closing an unplowed mountain road) We all believe we’ll never be in a situation like the Kim’s. “Nah. I’ll be safe. I won’t put my family in jeopardy. And if I do get stuck, they’ll find us within hours.” Sure. Go ahead and believe that. Remember, it took over a week to locate the surviving Kims. Have a survival pack ready at all times. Stash it with waterproof matches (so you don’t have to make fire from rubber plants), dry food (mmmm…granola…), map, compass, flashlight, extra batteries, extra clothing, blankets, first aid kit, a knife, and maybe even a flare or two. Besides a pretty fireworks show, it’ll help those looking for you know where you are.

I won’t go into rules # 5 - 9,746. You can look them up on your own. Just be safe, people. Enjoy the holidays and enjoy your families.