Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Read the Headlines

I get the news. Sure. I read the headline on the daily paper each morning as I walk past the news dispenser. Isn’t that all we really need to know? The headline is what it’s all about.

“Mad Cow Disease Bulls into America”

“Bird Flu Ain’t Just For the Birds”

“Pit Bull Mauls Bear, Joins Pack of Wolves”

“Orangutan Escapes From Zoo, Steals Last Copy of ‘Any Which Way But Loose’”

Hmm…seems that the animals are taking over the world. See? One only needs to read between the headlines to discover subtle changes in the world today. Let’s see, I think my best strategy is to keep my Chihuahua and Siamese separated and the Cockatiel in the garage lest they form a plot that would reek havoc in my house and neighborhood.

I’m doing what I can to stop this aggressive and hostile takeover. Folks, you better listen to those headlines and come up with a plan to dissuade our four-legged (or two, six, 22, whatever) friends from taking over the planet. This planet belongs to the humans, and we’ll do what we darn well please with it! Don’t need no animals in charge. Next thing you know they’ll be talking & starring in motion pictures.

“The Shaggy Dog Wreaks Hilarious Havoc on Big Screen”

AAAAACCKK!!!!! See!? It’s happening already!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I love rollercoasters!

Someone mentioned that she just has to see a rollercoaster on TV and her stomach does flips. I love rollercoasters! Recently I ventured to Disneyland in December. Got to ride the new Space Mountain. (New to me since I hadn't visited Disneyland in about 20 years.) That was a trip. If you've never ridden Space Mountain, it first takes you up a steep incline to the top of the enclosed arena, then you drop and spin to the sound of...how would I describe it, Beach Boy music. It was a jammin' beat like "Wipe Out" from the 60's. The 'coaster twists & turns in near complete blackness. Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

The ride is over way too soon, and if you're up for waiting in line another 45 to 75 minutes, do it again!

The Matterhorn is the most visible and famous 'coaster at D'Land. They have streamlined the waiting process and I never waited more than 20 minutes to get on board. One can ride past the Abominable Snowman again and again!

Of course, I took my 4-yr old to D'Land so I was fortunate to ride Dumbo about 5 times. But hey, I'm getting my young-un all geared up to enjoy rollercoasters when she's older. Disneyland, we'll be back!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I'm at the airport at 5:30 am. What the ---- am I doing here this early? Why did I book a flight that required me to be here before the birds even wake up to sing? Oh, I remember. I'm flying to a time zone 3 hours ahead and I gotta get there by the time the Oscars begin telecasting. I can't miss the Oscars! I love the cinema. Oy! The things we do for our art. What am I, dense?! I'm now 36 years old. My favorite hobby at this age is sleep. I'm sacrificing sleep to get to Pennsylvania by 6:30 in order to watch celebrities wearing $500,000 gowns. 'Course now that I think about it, sometimes that makes it worth watching. ;)

So I'm on the airport shuttle this morning (4:15 am) and this driver starts talking to me about how his wife is 36 and is reaching (not past, not getting there, but reaching) her 'peak' in the bedroom. He admitted to begging for "just five minutes to catch my breath." Hmmm...my wife has a few years before she reaches 36. Am I going to be in the fortunate category of having to beg for five minutes in order to catch my breath? I certainly hope it happens soon. with my luck I just know she'll reach the time when sex every day is a good average, and I'll be, "oy, Honey, I was just going to go play some golf,", or "the yard needs weeding." Ya know, I'll be 40 and sex is no longer a lifestyle, like it is now. It's a luxury that one does like on vacation or something. God's little tricks on men and women.

Friday, March 03, 2006

The last thing I remember...

Just talking about ol' college times. Heard a funny one: "The worst thing I did in college was going home from class for lunch, eating a bowl full of leftover Jello shots, and going back to class. Can't remember a damn thing after that."

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Spare Change?

Ain't it funny how coins are useless anymore? Anytime I make a purchase for anything, even a cup of coffee, I can simply swipe a piece of 2X3 plastic and get the results I need to complete the transaction. Ne'er again do I need to carry all that heavy, dirty, and jingly coinage.

The best result of plastic? Now whenever I'm strolling down the streets of downtown Portland and I encounter a strung out hobo who asks for change...I ain't got any!

And here's more advice: if you don't wanna put $1.04 for some Joe on your card, just use the few spare dollars in your pocket and leave the $0.94 change in the "collection" jar on the barista counter. Then when you are approached by the nearest hobo (or hoba, there's females out there, too), you can tell them you just left all your change with the latte lady. Isn't that brilliant?! I much prefer doing that than lying through my teeth that, "no, I don't have any change (jingle jingle)"

Perhaps we'd be doing a service to the hobo/a's. They'll catch on that all the spare change they so crave is going into the jars in the coffee joints, so they'll go get jobs slingin' mocha's in order to get their spare change fix. Hey, baristas get benefits, too! Use the benefits to go through rehab and get off that spare change habit.

Oh, and the best thing about using the plastic is that all companies can track my spending habits! I can even join a "club", and get ANOTHER card, so they can track all my spending in one store! This saves so much time for them to get special offers to me. It's so convenient, that corporations can even predict our spending habits. Why, before our child was even born certain "Baby" stores were sending us convenient and usefull coupons and informing us of sales of baby clothes, furniture, you name it!

But, alas, much like our dilemma with coins, all that plastic I have to carry is getting pretty thick in my wallet. I think there should be an easier, all-purpose way to spend electronically. My idea? In order to cut out the plastic in my wallet I want to get an electronic chip implated underneath my skin. All I'd have to do is swipe my palm, give 'em the old 'high five', and "BEEP", my purchases are complete without even opening my wallet. Yes, we should all get the implant.

Hey, it would also be very helpful to our government. They can use the chip to track our precise location anytime of day! How easier that would be for the authorities to catch criminals and terrorists! Ooooo, I feel safer already.

Yes, let's all get on board the electronic chip implant bandwagon! Let's make good use of our electronic technology! No more coins! No more plastic! Just think how FREE we'll be!

That is, until we run out of fossil fuels to burn and cannot generate electricity any more...but that's another blog.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

So it's funny when one approaches 36, it seems that a few months before or after means very little. Much unlike when we were five AND A HALF! I don't care to be 35 AND A HALF. By now the few months before don't count and my wife teases me about how I claim to be 36 at least 6 months before the sacred anniversary date of my birth. I'll be precisely 36 on Friday, at 8:30 pm if one is to be absolutely precise. However, I am currently 36, give or take a few days, months, whatever.

As I reflect on another turning into my mid thirties I am thankful for much. I thank my lucky stars that I still have all my hair. Though it is becoming gray on top of my head as well as my chin, and has been since I was 24, I welcome the distinguished look that I am beholding. Particularly since our 2nd child came along a year ago has the gray become more pronounced.

I am thankful that I am still young looking. As a performer I am still able to portray characters in their 20's on up to 40-ish.

I'm thankful that right now I have a happy and stable family, with a house, 2 cars, a yard, 2.3 kids, and a dog. Dunno how we're gonna acquire the ".3" child yet, but we're right there near the average with 2.

I am thankful (as I knock profusely on wood) that I have excellent health. Ne'er a day spent in a hospital. Not even for tonsils. HOWEVER, and be forewarned all who approach their 30's, I must quote a good friend who put it very simply, "it's not the muscles, it's not the mileage, it's all about the joints." Take care of your joints, people. Though in good shape, the cartilage does wear down and I feel old when moving around sometimes, especially simply getting up from a sitting position. It's funny how I find myself talking to folks my age and to those with years of wisdom ahead of me about remedies for the aching joints. For those of you wondering, Glucosamine and MSM (methylsulfonylmethane) both work wonders.

Ok, all settled. Here I go, resolved at turning another year. Oooh...my achin' joints...