My Addiction

Hi. My name is Bob, and I’m a chocoholic. (Say it everyone: “Hi Bob!”) It’s been 2 hours and 14 minutes since my last M&M. I would like to formally admit here and now to all my faithful evil blogger followers the exact nature of my addiction, as per step five of the 12 steps. I first started chocolating when I was just a young-un, ‘bout 4 I’d say. My parents were horrible role models, eating chocolate almost every day, and right in front of me. My mother gave me my first bonbon one day while I was begging to watch Electric Company. She stuffed the rich morsel in my mouth particularly with the purpose (now thinking in hindsight) to shut me the BLEEP up. The moment that sugary, luscious, delectable, heavenly confection dissolved in my mouth and trickled down into my approving tummy, I was hooked. I wanted more. I needed MORE! Forget the Boob Tube, gimme that bag of bonbons! After that I was mostly a plain milk chocolate junky. Anything in a foil wrapper was game. Hershey bars. Hershey Kisses. Chocolate Easter bunnies. Those little bite-size chocolate footballs. In my teens I experimented with harder stuff, like candy coated M&M’s. Twix. Butterfinger. But I fell head-over-heels for Snickers with peanuts. I had to have my daily fix to keep me satisfied. In college I studied a term in Europe and found Mecca… Gourmet Swiss Chocolate! After tasting real chocolate I couldn’t go back to plain ol’ generic milk chocolate Advent Calendar bonbons ever again. I haven’t even had a Hershey Bar since. To this day I have an incurable appetite for the hard-line Dark chocolate. Milk chocolate? Blech! See’s Chocolate? Unsatisfying and insufficient for my addictive needs. I go for Godiva or our own local Moonstruck confections when I have the spare change. I do a daily consumption of Dove Dark Chocolate before bed each night. And I’m sure you’ve seen the NEW Dark Chocolate M&M’s in the purple bag…JOYGASM! I carry a secret hidden pouch around with me everywhere. I DO NOT share. No no! Get your own! I need every single fragment and subatomic particle of those delectable, candy coated delights to melt in my mouth, not in my hands. Chocolate is indeed better in color! So, yes, I have a problem. I need help. I need counseling. But right now, I need another M&M Dark…’scuse me. CRUNCH!

The Scarecrow Cometh

Yesterday I arrived at home to find this hay-feverish visitor strung up on our front porch with 2 other buddies. It was a stark reminder that at precisely 9:03 pm tonight it becomes Fall. Happy Autumnal Equinox, everyone! It is the day where day and night are approximately the same length. As of tomorrow, however, those of us here in the Pacific Northwest get approx. 4 hours of daylight and 20 hrs of darkness each day until next March. There’s no gradual change. It just happens overnight. Daylight eludes us and we poor working class schmucks are forced to trudge to work in the morning in total darkness and eternal rain, and enjoy the same conditions coming home. It’s no wonder that theatre companies assign their seasons beginning in the Fall and go through Spring. No one has anything else to do in the evening except escape the harsh external conditions and ER reruns and enjoy themselves in a bit of live fictional storytelling. And on the subject of live theatre, the Sweeney review has been published. Why do we performers always say, “no, I don’t read the reviews. I don’t want one opinion to affect my performance. Please do not show that horrid opinionated article to me.” But we lie. Lie lie lie! We’re all vain and want to know, ‘you like me! You really like me!’ So I took a peek at the review on this day we do another performance, really just to predict whether we will have a packed house, or if the potential audience will run with their hard earned money straight down the block to the pub instead. And DANGIT if now I’m going to listen to the DADBLASTED reviewer and try to alter my make up tonight! Of all the nice things she wrote I have to fixate on the one comment about my pale make-up. Well, what am I gonna do? She thinks that Sweeney Todd was basking in the sun while in PRISON in Australia? I think not! His skin was pale! Read it in the script! Got a problem? Bring it up with His Majesty, Mr. Sondheim. But all is forgiven. I’ll just invite her to my barber chair for a free toothpulling. Sweeney out!

Avast ye bilge rats! Is that a hornpipe in yer pocket?

Happy International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day! A fitting Pirate name for an Evil Baritone... My pirate name is: Dread Pirate Flint Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr! Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com. part of the fidius.org network

Go Fish...

Little Deedle Dumpling, I fear, is getting in touch with her inherited redneck roots. This, I hesitantly and reluctantly admit, comes from my side of the family. (Although I believe Bobo's Klingon roots stem from her mother's side!) Deedle has had her share of enjoying a cruise on a passenger vessel ranging from river dinner cruises, to paddlewheel excursions, to a full-fledged Alaskan cruise chock full of icebergs and glaciers and Juneau (oh my!) & all that fun stuff that kids love. But the other day we crossed a bridge where Deedle spotted below us a dingy on the river with four men which appeared to be holding long sticks. "What's that?" she asked. "That's a boat dear." "What are those men doing?" "They're fishing, honey. That's a fishing boat." "What are those sticks?" "Those are fishing poles. They hang a line from the pole into the water and catch fish." "I want to go fishing." Red alert! No! Head 'er off at the pass! I swore off fishing years ago. It's messy, and smelly, and who wants to sit for hours trying to catch a stream trout when you can get perfectly good fresh fish at Red Lobster. (mmmmm.....lobster) Besides, I can't shell out thousands of dollars on fishing gear, rods, reels, spinners, dancers, bleeders, buzzers, crankers, plus a boat load of Wet-Ones to clean oneself, not to mention the boat itself. So I chose to take the path of truth with this one, hoping it would dissuade my innocent girl made of sugar and spice and everything nice. "But do you know what you do after you catch the fish?" "Eat 'em!" she said gleefully. "Well," I said, choosing my words carefully, "you have to kill them first. Then you gotta cut their heads off and pull their guts out and clean them really good before you eat them." There, that should gross out a 5-yr old girl who loves My Little Pony more than life itself. Without missing a beat she said, "I'll kill 'em, Daddy! I'll kill 'em and cut 'em up. I'll just chop off their heads with a knife." Oh, my darling angelic girl. What has corrupted you? Was it the Tele? Did my father put you up to this? Did you overhear your father rehersing Sweeney Todd & crooning about slicing throats? Next you're gonna tell me you want to go hunting for elk in Livingston, Montana. "Really? You want to do that, Sweetie?" "Yeah! But first I'm gonna name the fish. I'll say, 'your name is Charlie', then I'll chop off his head." Charlie the trout, wherever you are, beware! We're bringing our mini-rod & spinner and comin' for ya! Hey, maybe I can justify buying that new boat now.

Lift your RAZR high, Sweeney...

Sweeney Todd opens tonight. Now, ask me if I have a razor for which to do my evil barber deeds. Go ahead, ask. What's that? Do I have a razor? The honest and true answer is...NO! So I have decided to simply use modern technology and Sweeney Todd will be lifting his RAZR and I guess talking his customers to death. To provide you with a gem of insight, to what the Demon Barber will be using, picture a Stanley angle ruler. Now attach a simple handle to it using a wing nut and screw. Paint it silver. Now, duct tape (yes duct tape) a small Elmer's Glue bottle containing minty scented blood, and...Voila! Insta prop! If only I'd known that this ever important prop, which should practically be on the list of characters for this show, (and should be precast as well!) was not considered a priority when I signed on to do Sweeney, I would have begged, borrowed and even rented one months ago from a reputable theater that had the guts to make a real special FX razor prop that spilled blood onto its victims. Meantime, I will muster all the professionalism and stage tricks I know to hide the fact that my razor is a ruler. This show is about the drama and it is about the music. I will serve them well and scare the bejeebles outta the audience. Well, at least the first row. Beware, or you'll get Elmer's Glue on ya! Break Legs, Y'all!

My Promiscuous Seahorse

I have an official published photo on an online mag. Check out RichardLivsey.com and scroll down to the article entitled: “Female Seahorses Cheat”. Who knew when I took the photo of these sprightly little Hippocampi that perhaps they were at that very moment engaging in an extra-monogamous tryst. Notice how their tails are curled in ecstasy as if they have just completed a passionate and yet inappropriate consummation…in full frontal view of thousands of Mandalay Bay visitors! C’mon guys! Get a coral reef or an anemone for cryin’ out loud! I’m not sure how I feel about publishing seahorse porn on the internet. Interesting, though, that it’s the female seahorse now thought to be the cheaters, while the males stay faithful to one partner. AND the males carry the eggs of their offspring. I'm sure my male readers will agree that if our women get wind of this article they will stand together to do some research and find the seahorse gene that’ll keep their mates in one place, do all the housework, and raise the kids, all while they're out having a promiscuous time at Thunder From Down Under. Guys, lets prevent this travesty! Write your congressperson (notice the neutral gender, ladies) and urge him/her to veto any legislation that promotes gene harvesting from male seahorses! Disclaimer for the ladies: This blog opinion is satire and is not meant to promote male promiscuity nor the keeping of women at home to take care of the bambinos while said males are scamming on the chicks. Please save your heinous comments and enjoy the pic. :)

My Daughter the Ham

My Daughter the ham... Dunno where she gets it...

Just Like Viagra...

Absolute truth. Slogan seen on a truck of a local sign ‘erector’ company: Just like Viagra…We Get It Up For You! So it made me think; why shouldn’t other small companies use Big slogans for their own use? Gave me inspiration for some other possible borrowed slogans: For my Chiropractor: Just like Rice Krispies…We “Snap, Crackle & Pop!" For a Plastic Surgeon: Just like K-Mart…We’re Changing for the Better. For the CIA secret prison camps: Just like Calgon…We Take You Away. For Dr. Frankenstein: Just like GE…I Bring Good Things to Life For the local mob thug: Just like McDonalds…You Deserve a Break Today. (And I had fun with this one) For a Nevada Brothel: Just like Holiday Inn…We’re Pleasing People the World Over. Just like Burger King…We Have it Your Way. Just like AT&T…We Reach Out & Touch Someone. Just like Allstate…You’re in Good Hands. Just like Campbells…We’re M’mm M’mm Good! Just like Gillette…We’re The Best a Man Can Get. Or last but not least.. Just like Nike…We “Just DO IT”

SAFETY VIOLATION

Deedle Dumpling is destined to become a Citizen on Patrol, and a good but authoritative COP at that. She seems to know and follow the rules, and is not hesitant to point out the error of her parent’s ways. After strapping her into her booster seat today I hopped in the driver’s seat and started the ignition. “Put your seatbelt on, Daddy, or it’s a safety violation,” instructed my loving daughter, of whom I was very proud for looking out for her Daddy’s best interest. “I will sweetie. How did you know it’s a safety violation?” I asked. “Lou & Lou and You: Safety Patrol from Playhouse Disney.” Thanks again, Disney. Knowing this was a good tidbit of knowledge for a preschooler, still I wondered what else Disney had brainwashed into my impressionable daughter. I half expected my sincere, innocent girl to tell me I had to go & buy the latest Disney DVD of Brother Bear 2 or she would turn me in to the authorities for child abuse. So we continued our journey and as I approached a stop sign my little backseat driver informed me, “S.T.O.P. Stop Daddy. You gotta stop here or it’s a safety violation,” Actually I think it’s a moving violation if I don’t actually STOP at the stop sign, but I didn’t have the heart to correct her, not when she’s destined to be a hot COP someday keeping our streets safe, and could one day pull me over on charges of rolling through a stop sign. “Thank you, dear,” says I. I smiled in the mirror back at my grinning girl and pulled out my cell phone to call Divagirl. I punched send and lifted the little receiver to my ear. “That’s a safety violation, you know,” came a stern voice from the backseat. I peeked in the mirror of my car and couldn’t believe my eyes. There sat my near-5-yr old with arms crossed and a raised eyebrow like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I’d been caught. I had forgotten my little accessory earpiece one should use while driving to free up both hands. And yet here was I, a bitter complainer about seeing people talk on phones while driving doing the very pet peeve I loathe. “Lou & Lou told you that?” I asked. “Yes, Daddy. Put the phone down and no one will get hurt. We can both forget this incident ever happened. I trust you will be prepared in the future.” I flipped the phone closed & dropped it like a hot potato. Didn’t want an “incident” in the car to ruin a perfectly good day. Nor did I want my oldest believing I didn't follow Lou & Lou's safety rules. If you don’t have trust in a family what have ya got? “That sounds like a plan, Deedle. Let’s go have an ice cream!” "That's fine, Daddy. Just don't eat while you're driving. That's a safety violation, too." Curious about these Lou & Lou characters I looked ‘em up on the ol’ ‘puter. Indeed I found good printable safety tips offered by two squat-looking, badge-toting children of either sex, whose names I assumed were short for Louise and Louis. I found some other interesting driving tips that I thought my daughter should be aware of. Particularly the one about NEVER MAKE SO MUCH NOISE THAT YOU DISTRACT THE DRIVER. Hmmm. That’s one I’ll be pointing out a lot. Another one: PAY FULL ATTENTION WHILE DRIVING. DO NOT EAT, READ, PUT ON MAKE-UP OR SHAVE (yes, these are actual tips from our old pal, Disney) WHILE DRIVING A CAR. I like that one, too. I think the former and the later go hand in hand, wouldn’t you?